It’s the day after Valentine’s day… I can’t help but have love on my mind. Usually, this day comes and goes without me noticing, but this year I have a lot of love in my heart. And so I will share a short story about life and love and my pursuit for inner-balance.
It’s been over a year now that I changed my life completely. I quit my career and decided to embark on a new a journey. I needed a career that would allow me to generate money from anywhere in the world.
Once I discovered eCommerce, I took it and ran with it. Several months later, I had built something. A small business that generates money month after month, with little effort from me.
Feeling grateful for my accomplishments, I decided to volunteer my newly freed time to a cause I really believe in. A healing center in the Amazon jungle; devoted to helping those who want to expand their consciousness and heal naturally with hallucinogenic plant medicines. Specifically Ayahuasca, deeply enriched with DMT from the Chacruna plant.
Every month, I would help host one or two groups of about 15 to 20 people ready to face their darkest fears. If you’re unfamiliar with the affects of this medicine. Symptoms vary from violent purging to intense visual hallucinations. Purging may include, but is not limited to vomiting, diarrhea, sweating, crying, laughing. Sometimes, blocked childhood memories may arise feelings of guilt, hate, and/or resentment. Making you feel unsafe, or paranoid. This can last 4-6 hours. Individuals usually drink 4 out of the 10 nights during their jungle retreat.
If you’ve gone this deep, you have one of two choices to make. Let go or resist. Letting go can be difficult. Especially, when you’re not sure what you’re letting go of. Letting go usually means allowing yourself to die. Figuratively speaking, of course. As death seems to be our biggest fear. When you don’t actually die, those feelings of guilt and resentment may turn into the deepest sense of peace and tranquility you’ve ever felt in your life. It’s like you get a second chance; where you get to come back and change the course of your life. That is, if you believe.
Your other choice would be to resist. I would strongly encourage you not to resist. This intensifies those negative feelings by a thousand. But like in everything, there’s lessons to be learned from resisting. So resist if you feel inclined.
As a precaution, we advised people to knock 3 times on the floor if they needed help going to the restroom or anything else. Sometimes, people would knock, but couldn’t express what they needed. This usually meant they just needed to know someone was there for them. Maybe they needed a hug or to hold my hand for a while. As my time in the jungle continued, I began to learn that what people needed most in these times of need; was to be quiet and listen to their deepest thoughts. Easier said than done.
Groups came and went. In between I would have personal ceremonies; where I would experiment with the dosing of this plant medicine. Sometimes I would take a “heroic dose” to test myself. I believe these plants have answers to all of humanities questions. I’m just trying to answer a few for my own growth and development. So far, the most powerful lesson I’ve learned is that I don’t really need the plant medicine to find inner balance. The plant medicine is just there to help guide me back to my personal meditation practice. All the answers are really within myself.
Besides these amazing life lessons, I stumbled upon a little bit of romance. I would call it jungle love, but that kinda makes it sound dirty. There was, however an undeniable spark between this woman and myself. At the time, I was very aware that this woman was a guest, and that I should’t pursue a woman who is going through her healing process. That’s what a reasonable me would say. However, love was interfering with my reason. I rationalized my behavior by thinking that this woman lives on another part of the world, and that I wouldn’t have another opportunity to tell her how I felt.
What the fuck was my heart trying to say? I didn’t have time to figure it out. So I took a chance. I told this woman how she made me feel. She said she shared the same feelings. I wanted to kiss her, and I did… When I kissed her it felt like love. My heart was beating out of my chest. I can feel her body quiver in my arms as our lips pressed tightly.
Weeks and months past after she went back home. We stayed in touch during the rest of my stay in the jungle. Groups of people came and went. Yet this woman was consistently on my mind. I decided that I would continue to follow my heart all the way to the foreign country of Canada. But it wasn’t the same when I got there. Her heart wasn’t beating so strongly for me anymore. Suddenly, everything I ever felt for this woman became a reminder of a false sense of love that arose from my misguided heart. I wanted to leave, and so I did. I felt like I may have interfered with fate. Maybe this was the universe putting things back into alignment. The outcome, although emotionally painful; wasn’t a punishment. Simply a consequence to my actions.
Trying to fill the void in my heart, I pursued another woman whom I had felt a minor connection with several months prior. Just as I suspected, the thrill in pursuing this other woman soon faded as her high volume and energy gradually annoyed the fuck out of me.
I allowed myself to feel sad for about 36 hours. Then I began getting my shit together. Getting back into my daily meditation practice reminded me of what I was actually pursuing in life. Happiness. Somehow along the way I confused happiness for love. Simple mistake. I forgive myself. Moving forward.
Days continued and realizations within my meditation began to emerge. Soon I realized that it’s possible that I was never actually in love with this woman. As hard as this is for me to admit to myself, maybe I was just infatuated with the idea of loving someone and being loved in return. These feelings being intensified by the magic of the jungle and her plant medicine.
Now, I’m not saying that the love wasn’t real. It most definitely was. At least for me. What I am saying is that love, like most things in life; is temporary. Like the pain from my broken heart. It’s temporary. Everything we encounter is temporary. From the worst feeling to the best. It will pass.
This woman did spark something in me. Something that I hadn’t acknowledged before. The fact that I do want a woman in my life. A woman to love and care for. A woman who challenges me in new, unique ways as we travel the world together helping those in need. A woman who is super cute and flexible too. I know what I want. I know who I need to become to attract her to me. Luckily, I’m well on my way to becoming my dream woman’s dream man.
It’s been a while since this all went down. Long enough for me to feel comfortable enough to write about it. For weeks, I’ve been trying to get myself to start blogging again, but Resistance was kicking my ass. I figured that the best way to get back into writing would be to blog about something personal. Mostly because I’m afraid to post my real thoughts and feelings.
I’ve recently noticed that my life has slowly turned into a game of conquering fear. I don’t always get it. The game is often confusing. It’s hard most of the time. The only advantage I have is that now, at least I know I’m playing a game. And that changes everything.